It’s that time of year again—sheeple everywhere are celebrating the death and resurrection of Jesus. Religious simpletons who choose to regurgitate the blind faith their parents hammered into their skulls when they were children are gathering in church buildings and worshiping their magic sky fairy who has “come back from the dead.”

It’s interesting that the Christian religion sort of hinges on this event, and I’ll admit that there are a number of reasons why it actually makes sense to believe that the resurrection of Christ is a historical fact. I would probably even believe it myself, if I were a low-brow, dunderheaded flat-earther.

Well, just for fun on this Easter weekend, I thought I’d go over a few of these rationales. So here are three totally solid reasons to believe Jesus came back from the dead, which I don’t believe because I’m not a weak-minded moron.

1.) The tomb was empty. Jesus was publicly executed and laid in a guarded tomb in the city of Jerusalem. I mean, these are verifiable things that played out in front of people, you know? And with so many authority figures viciously opposed to Jesus, the entire Christianity thing could’ve been squashed right off the bat—all they had to do was produce his dead body (which, you better believe, they tried to do). But nobody could, because his body was gone. The empty tomb is quite a convincing reason to believe in the resurrection, but I never will because I’m not a mentally challenged dolt.

2.) He appeared to lots of people after his death. So tons of people claimed to have encountered the resurrected Jesus. Which is crazy. The Apostle Paul was one of them—and he gave up his enviable life of privilege in exchange for imprisonment, beatings, stonings, starvation, shipwrecks, and traveling thousands of miles to tell people that Jesus had come back from the dead, before being executed. Which would be weird for him to go through if he were just making it all up. And the disciples of Jesus—they all claimed to have encountered the back-from-the-dead Jesus. And they all maintained his resurrection as truth, all the way to their bloody, torturous deaths for claiming so. Which again, you know, wow. They literally could’ve stopped being tortured in horrific ways by denying that Jesus was risen. That’s a legit reason to believe that they were not actually lying, and they had actually seen the resurrected Christ with their own eyes and knew he was Lord and Savior, but I just can’t accept that because I’m not a feeble-minded, Bible-thumping robot.

3.) Christianity totally exploded. Jesus’s death should’ve killed Christianity, you know? Like, OK, no more Jesus, no more Christianity. Seems simple. Especially in that place and time—that population was staunchly opposed to the idea that people came back from the dead, and the idea of worshiping a man, to them, would have been the lowest form of blasphemy. But what happened? Well, starting from the place Jesus was crucified—which is the same place tons of people started claiming he had risen from the dead—Christianity exploded and believers were multiplied exponentially. Now if you think about it, the only thing that can really account for that would be the hundreds, or even thousands of people who told everyone they knew that they had literally seen the resurrected Jesus with their own eyes, and were willing to risk any form of punishment rather than deny what they had seen and knew as truth. Seriously, guys, think about that. I’m so glad I’m not a religulous, room-temperature-IQ-having buffoon, because If I were, I totally might believe that. But then I would be an emotional-crutch-needing dimwit. And people might make fun of me.

So there you have it. Those three reasons are pretty legit, are they not? Told you. They’re super-solid. I feel sorry for you lunkheads who take them to heart. You’re laughably weak-minded and unintelligent. I, on the other hand, am neither—which is why I don’t believe them.

I’m so glad I’m not a brainwashed half-wit, otherwise I’d probably believe all of this sound evidence.