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Babylon Bee: Women Shocked To Learn Pill Designed To Murder Babies Might Not Be Safe

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Women Shocked To Learn Pill Designed To Murder Babies Might Not Be Safe

Health·Apr 28, 2025 · BabylonBee.com

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SEATTLE — Women across the country have been shocked to learn that mifepristone and misoprostol, pills designed to murder babies in the womb, might not be all that safe.

Studies are now showing an alarming rate of debilitating and lethal side effects that can occur when taking the pill that is specifically made to kill babies.

“I never would have thought a pill that is specifically designed to kill a child could possibly be harmful,” said one woman. “They should really put that on the label.”

“This is alarming,” said another woman who had just ordered the pills over the phone without even seeing a doctor first. “The very pill that violently destroys an unborn child could also be dangerous? It is a real cause for concern.”

Health experts from Planned Parenthood are encouraging women to ignore the latest concerning studies and have more abortions. “You’ll work up a tolerance to the potentially lethal side effects if you take the pill constantly,” said Dr. Ellen Mortia. “I recommend ignoring all warnings and ordering more mifepristone and misoprostol. We now offer them in cherry flavor!”

At publishing time, women were further shocked to discover that surgical abortions are pretty dangerous too.

Boy David Condemned For Violently Attacking Peaceful Palestinian Giant

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From The Babylon Bee (of course)

Boy David Condemned For Violently Attacking Peaceful Palestinian Giant

SCRIPTURE·Apr 27, 2024 · BabylonBee.comClick here to view this article with reduced ads. 

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ELAH VALLEY — A young boy named David has found himself under intense scrutiny and condemnation for his alleged violence against a kindly Palestinian giant named Goliath. Those critical of the young boy’s action call this yet another tragic case of disproportionate force and cultural insensitivity.

“It’s a clear case of bigotry and attempted genocide,” declared activist Ehud as they held a candlelight vigil for Goliath outside the battlefield. “David had the audacity to use a slingshot against a giant armed only with his faith and a kind soul. David’s actions are nothing short of barbaric.”

Critics of David’s actions argue that he should have pursued more peaceful methods of conflict resolution, such as dialogue or complete and utter surrender. “There were plenty of opportunities for mediation, conflict de-escalation, and letting the Philistines slaughter every Israelite” insisted local man Gehazi. “Instead, David chose violence, perpetuating harmful stereotypes about giants being inherently aggressive.”

Schools across the world saw protests break out as students condemned David and called for the destruction of Israel. “David needs to be held accountable for how his actions have negatively impacted this gentle, peace-loving community of Philistines,” said Ehud. “Though a person of size, we must acknowledge Goliath’s lived experience as a marginalized individual. Also, we need to destroy Israel.”

Meanwhile, David has reportedly gone into hiding, fearing for his safety amidst the wave of backlash. “I was just defending my family and my sheep,” he mumbled nervously, adjusting his slingshot. “Does no one get that they were going to kill the men and rape the women? No one?”

At publishing time, Goliath’s descendants have reportedly hired a team of lawyers to explore their legal options demanding reparations, including modest terms like “Destroy Israel”.

Babylon Bee: Feeling Bad About Yourself?

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From the Babylon Bee:

Feeling Bad About Yourself? Check Out These 10 People From The Bible Who Did Way Stupider Stuff Than You
SPONSORED·Sep 6, 2023 · BabylonBee.com
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Brought to you by the Hope Together Conference:

 

 

 

Feeling a little down? Think you’ve really screwed the pooch this time? Come with the Babylon Bee as we crack open the Scriptures and check out some Bible heroes who have done way, way stupider stuff than you!

  1. Adam: You may be feeling a little blue today, but did sin and death enter the world through you? See, it’s not so bad.
  2. Samson: His girlfriend betrayed him to be tortured by enemies – TWICE – and the third time, he STILL FELL FOR IT! Come on.
  3. Jonah: This guy legit tried to run away from the Creator of the universe on a boat. Way dumber than you!
  4. Abraham: You may have messed up today, but did you lie about your wife being your sister? TWICE?
  5. Balaam: This prophet of God beat the heck out of his own donkey, who was only trying to save Balaam from getting killed by an angel with a flaming sword. Ouch.
  6. Aaron: First he helps lead the miraculous Exodus, then he leads millions of people into idolatrous demon worship. That’s pretty bad!
  7. David: He failed to install a Covenant Eyes filter on his rooftop, leading to adultery, murder and ultimately his kingdom’s destruction. Puts your mistakes in perspective.
  8. Paul: Before encountering Jesus, he literally went from town-to-town murdering Christians. Probably worse than what you did today.
  9. Cain: This guy thought offering someone vegetables was a good idea. VEGETABLES!
  10. Peter: The rock upon which Christ would build the church once rebuked Jesus Christ over His plan to die for our sins. So, yeah, pretty stupid in hindsight!

Yikes! Feel better now? Sure you do!