humour
Godly Sexual Consent
From the “Damascus Dropbear” comes this take on sexual consent apps
Image Credits: Pexels (edited)
New Christian ‘Godly sexual consent’ app launched
by D’bear | Mar 22, 2021 | Christian living, Culture
SYDNEY, NSW – Christian app developer, MoBibleTech, has announced they have designed a “Godly sexual consent” app specifically catering for the Christian market.
The new app is an upgrade on NSW Police Commissioner Mick Fuller’s ‘sexual consent’ app which has been proposed to addresses the prevalence of sexual assault in Australia.
MoBibleTech founder, Simon Eckles, took the Damascus Dropbear through some of their app’s unique Christian features.
As expected, it opens with the important question “Do you consent?”, but this is immediately followed up with “Yeah, but are you married?”
If you answer yes, the app continues with a series of 40 helpful questions ranging from “Will this be a loving act of service?” to “Do you have any unresolved conflict that you need to pray about together first?”
They even have a question specifically for husbands, asking “Have you done the dishes?”
We asked what happens if the couple answers “no” to the “married” question.
Mr Eckles explained that this unlocked a special random feature that was different for each user.
For some, their mobile device bursts into an all consuming fireball. For others, the ground beneath them opens up and swallows everyone in a five metre radius.
They are also working on a third possibility involving your pastor receiving a fornication alert with your precise GPS location, though the general feedback from beta users was apparently a preference for being burned alive or having the ground swallow them whole.
We asked Mr Eckles whether he thought introducing this sort of technology into the bedroom would be a romantic mood killer.
“We had anticipated that,” he replied.
“Fortunately, the form should only take three hours or so to complete and, once submitted, we’ve added a special feature to set the mood again.”
“The app will start playing a complete audio recording of Song of Solomon read by David Suchet – or as we like to call him, the Christian Barry White.”
The “Godly sexual consent” app will be released later this month and the team at MoBibleTech are confident that its uniquely Christian features will ensure couples can honour their one flesh union in a way that is sensual, consensual and godly.
Piece credited to contributor Simon Camilleri, composer of the viral Nazareth – A Hamilton Parody. For further information around the place of consent in a Christian sexual ethic, see this piece by ThinkChristian.
The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.
Why Biden Fell
(Satire) Damascus Dropbear: ANU To Drop Word “Gravity”
Image Credits: AAP/Lukas Coch (edited)
Australian National University urges staff to stop using the term ‘gravity’
by D’bear | Mar 19, 2021 | Culture
CANBERRA, ACT – Australia’s leading university, the ANU, has discouraged staff from using ‘force-exclusive’ language such as ‘gravity’ to describe objective scientific realities.
The guidance appears to be an extension of the recent controversy around the release of an ANU Gender-Inclusive Handbook which replaced the terms ‘mother’, ‘father’ and ‘breastfeeding’ with ‘gestational’, ‘non-gestational’ and ‘chestfeeding’.
Vice-Chancellor of the ANU, Professor Brian Schmidt, described the reasoning behind the decision.
“The ANU has come to realise that many of our scientific terms actually discriminate against certain sections of students.”
“We recognise that the concept of gravity brings with it hateful attitudes around individual’s weight, balance and personal physical world beliefs.”
“I am ashamed to say that I am as culpable as anyone in this regard, as in all my Nobel Prize and astrophysics work I never realised the damage I was doing to people’s feelings by basing my supernovae studies on these harmful terms.”
“We hope these changes will uplift transweight and minority post-scientific students so they can be free to fly!”
There has however been strong criticism of the move from several distinguished physicists.
Associate Professor Stoot Frankman has told the Damascus Dropbear that he sees the move as ‘unhinged from reality’.
“When I look at the world I see a set of incredible and profound physical laws designed for human flourishing.”
“I’m just not sure they have fully thought through the unintended consequences of removing the notion of gravity for the sake of avoiding offence.”
“People, and universities, can believe what they want – but as for me my feet are going to stay firmly planted on this solid rock.”
It is further reported that the ANU is looking to turn their ‘University inclusiveness audit’ towards medical treatments, mathematical calculations and engineering structures next.
Climate Crazies
In Texas this week they are having record cold weather, leading to this
RJ Dawson: The Parable Of The Church Chairs
RJ Dawson writes:
Then Peter and John went to church.
It was the day after the Sabbath. The new padded church chairs had arrived from Antioch. The tasteful gray tones of each identical chair matched well with the muted shades of the carpet and fabric-covered acoustic wall panels.
Strolling to the front row, the two apostles looked forward to seeing their own new church chairs with their names scripted tastefully on the backrest, but otherwise denoting a pure spiritual humility in that the chairs were identical to all the others.
They had learned this from the Master, who had decided it best to no longer sit in His huge and decorative platform throne but down among the little people in a regular chair. And His new chair was a regular chair like all the rest, of course, except for being gold-plated, just a tad larger, with His name embossed, and with special wiring and comports to facilitate better communication and access to His laptop.
The usual comforting din of low voices and polite conversation had ceased momentarily as the two great men took their seats on either side of the big chair in the center of the first row like all the rest. Church was about to begin. All was in good order.
The church song leader and choir director strode to the front. Also known as Pastor of Music, he was beaming. Some thought it was because his new contract increased his salary to match that of the top 5% of mega church song leaders and choir directors across the land. But others whispered something about a new friend. The congregation had always admired his polished taste in manner and clothing, as well as his unashamed emotive expressions and being able to cry so easily at the moving of the Spirit. He always worked very hard at putting forth an excellent expression of taste and unity toward the outside community. He handpicked and/or created the choir robe fabrics, wall hangings, platform arrangements (though he abhorred the term “platform”), and all else associated with his music and performance. He believed that God deserved the very best and was thankful for the generous monetary outlays which allowed him to give God the very best.
Read the rest of this parable here
Australian Lamb- Producing Great Ads Again
Happy Christmas
May the presence of Christ fill you with joy this Christmas.
Be blessed
Keith
Babylon Bee:2020 Rated Worst Year Ever, Provided You Never Lived At Any Other Time In History
From the Babylon Bee
U.S.—Across the country, there is general consensus that 2020 has been the “worst year ever.” According to studies, 82% of Americans agree that 2020 has been a terrible year of unprecedented suffering and misery. Experts confirmed that 2020 was indeed the worst year, provided you have never lived in virtually any other time period in all of human history.
“We noticed that most of the respondents who called 2020 the worst year also enjoyed delicious food being delivered to them for 8 months while they sat on their couches with the air conditioning on and binge-watched shows the whole time,” said one researcher.
“While we understand it hasn’t been easy, we also found very few instances of Viking raids, Black Plague, famine, world war, using rotary telephones, needing to look things up in a physical dictionary, slavery, people being burned at the stake, walking miles to school, living in caves, sleeping on the ground, ice ages, Nazi holocausts, civil war, infant mortality, global floods, ethnic cleansing, using leaves as toilet paper, using leeches as medicine, using wooden mallets as an anesthetic, fighting wild saber-tooth tigers, cannibalism, occupation by the Persian Empire… what was I talking about again? Oh yeah– most people in 2020 never experienced any of those things, so comparatively speaking it’s been a pretty decent year!”
“Worst. Year. Ever.” Tweeted one local man who has been making more money than most Zambians make in a lifetime — all from the comfort of his computer.
“Can 2020 be over yet??” Tweeted a New York fashion executive whose preferred candidate just won the presidential election.
“I just can’t anymore. Ugh!” exclaimed another after Uber got his dinner order wrong.
The only exception was one oddball who walked out of his front door and took a deep breath of the morning air. “Thank you, God, for this amazing air!” he said. The oddball has been detained for further scientific study to figure out what the heck is wrong with him.
Aussie Perfection
You gotta share!
New Life Narrabri 